Alan Seidner, 82, and his wife, Carrie, 49, have been together for 26 years and married for nearly 21 of them. After splitting from his wife of three decades about a year earlier, Alan met Carrie at a work event. They knew their age difference would present challenges, so the couple handled tough topics early on.
In the early days of their union, as a middle-aged man, Alan got long-term care insurance and made end-of-life decisions known to help with aging challenges. Carrie, who was in her 20s, decided to focus on graduate school and started her own business instead of having children. Alan already had two grown daughters from his previous relationship, and neither was eager to have more children. With proper planning and similar goals, throughout the marriage, the pair’s lives have been enriched by each other’s perspectives.
Age Gap Relationships (aka May-December Relationships) Aren’t Unusual
Unions similar to Alan and Carrie’s aren’t unusual. Although the average age gap in marriages in the United States is 3.69 years, according to 2023 US Census Bureau data, research shows that in Western countries, about 8 percent of heterosexual couples have an age gap of 10-plus years.
And these numbers are increasing. A 2022 Ipsos poll found that those surveyed see more benefits than challenges to dating or marrying someone with a 10-plus year age gap.
For couples with a significant age difference (10 years or more), it is critical to have frank discussions on what retirement looks like and how to handle lifestyle changes as each person ages. Then, having a plan in place is crucial. In many cases, one spouse will likely reach significant life events, such as retirement or needing long-term care, well before the other spouse. Assets will need to last significantly longer to cover both of their retirements, making the risks of missteps greater.
Failure to provide for important considerations, such as financial planning, Long-term Care Planning, Estate Planning, and health care expenses can lead to unforeseen negative consequences in the future.
Ten Things to Keep in Mind if Your Spouse Is 10-Plus Years Older or Younger
If you are involved in a May-December relationship:
- Manage expectations. You and your future spouse need to figure out where each of you wants your assets to go when you die. If you have children from a previous marriage, this can be a complicated discussion. Managing expectations can help avoid discord between your partner and your children. In conversations about distributing assets upon death, clearly state which assets you want each of your loved ones to receive (and make sure this gets documented in your estate plan). Whether children from different relationships receive an equal sum is a sensitive matter; you should be transparent about it with your Estate Planning attorney and spouse to ensure the estate plan fits your values and intentions. Even if you don’t have children, there may be family heirlooms or mementos that you want to keep in your family. Again, open discussions can prevent problems in the future.
- Consider the emotional side of retirement. Feelings matter. The emotional side of retirement comes to sharper focus in couples with age gaps. The younger spouse may still have to work to have adequate income and health insurance while the older spouse is ready for a leisurely life, which can cause resentment. Couples need to evaluate and coordinate their retirement expectations to address these potential emotional difficulties.
- Discuss finances. Couples with big age gaps have to think harder about mortality. The death of a spouse can hit women harder, especially if they are younger and are financially dependent on the older spouse. It’s important that younger spouses are knowledgeable about financial planning and involved in the Estate Planning process so they aren’t surprised by their money situation if the older spouse dies first.
- Determine health care coverage and calculate income needs. Health care coverage is a big issue, particularly for retirees who aren’t old enough to access Medicare. This is another unique risk factor when you have a significant age difference. Be sure to figure out the best way to ensure that both you and your spouse are covered.
- When to take Social Security: If budgets allow, advisors recommend the older spouse delay taking Social Security, especially if the older spouse’s Social Security benefit is significantly larger than that of the younger spouse. Surviving spouses will then effectively get the bigger of their two Social Security checks, and delaying benefits means it will be as large as possible.
- Get Estate Planning in order. Estate Planning can be much trickier for May-December couples. As mentioned, couples with an age gap, especially those who may be in their second or third marriages, need to navigate between providing for the surviving spouse and providing for adult children.
- Control your legacy with a trust. When there is a significant age gap in a marriage and the older spouse dies, the younger surviving spouse may remarry. If Estate Planning is not done correctly, the new spouse could inherit all the assets. In such cases, the older spouse might want to consider leaving assets in a marital trust for the surviving spouse’s benefit, giving the surviving spouse limited access to the trust funds so that there will be money left to go to the older spouse’s children upon the death of the younger spouse. This is particularly important if there are children from separate relationships because if the surviving spouse gets the assets outright, that spouse has full control to distribute those assets to anyone desired, which might not be the older spouse’s children. However, if the surviving spouse is closer in age to the older spouse’s children, a marital trust might not be the best option because the children of the older spouse may not receive any of the assets until the surviving spouse dies. In this situation, often an outright gift to the children upon the death of the older spouse makes more sense, often funded by life insurance. For more details on separate versus joint trusts, please read today’s Critter Corner.
- Plan for long-term care and incapacity. The older partner may face significant health issues well before their younger spouse does, necessitating long-term care. Given that the average monthly Social Security benefit is $1,907, many people turn to Medicaid to cover long-term care costs. However, Medicaid Asset Protection is complex and requires the help of a qualified Elder Law attorney. Be sure to plan for Medicaid and to have a comprehensive Power of Attorney and Advance Medical Directive in place, to determine who will make decisions according to your wishes should you become incapacitated and can no longer make decisions for yourself.
- Keep documents up-to-date. Couples with significant age gaps should revisit their plans at least every 3 years, as circumstances can change quickly, especially if one spouse’s health declines. Be sure to review and update beneficiary designations on retirement accounts, life insurance policies, and other financial instruments.
- Consult an experienced Estate Planning attorney: Even if you don’t have a lot of assets, you should consult an experienced Estate Planning attorney. Ex-spouses, blended families, and comingled assets make age-gap relationships complex, as does a child with special needs or an aging parent. It’s wise to invest your time and money in getting a thorough estate plan drawn up by a professional, such as the Estate Planning experts at the Farr Law Firm.
Estate Planning for Age-Gap Couples
With expert Estate Planning and, when appropriate, expert asset protection, every individual, including those in May-December marriages, can retain their accumulated assets while still providing for their new spouse and the needs of their child(ren), if they have them. If you or members of your family have not done Incapacity Planning or Estate Planning, or if a loved one is beginning to need more care than you can handle, please contact us as soon as possible to make an appointment:
Fairfax Estate Planning: 703-691-1888
Fredericksburg Elder Law: 540-479-1435
Rockville Elder Care: 301-519-8041
DC Medicaid Asset Protection Planning: 202-587-2797
About Evan H Farr, CELA, CAP
