Dear Hayek,
I am a caregiver for my mother, and I’m beginning to realize that I don’t think I can do it anymore and that she may need more help than I can provide. I feel guilty for having these thoughts and wanting to find alternatives, as she has been a great mother to me throughout my life. As much as I love her, I just don’t think I can handle it anymore. What is the best way to deal with this situation?
Thanks for your help,
Canna Dewitt
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Dear Canna,
Being the primary caregiver for a senior loved one requires a lot of sacrifices. This can be especially true when you have your own family (spouse, kids, etc.) and personal responsibilities. Although caregiving is a labor of love, sometimes many of us get to a point where for geographic, financial, or other reasons we are physically unable to care for our senior loved ones. Or perhaps they simply need more care than we can provide.
When we realize this may be the case, we may feel guilty or judged by other family members for this decision. But rest assured, there are ways to alleviate the stress and provide your aging loved one with quality care which may even be better suited to their needs.
What Do You Do When You’re No Longer Able to Care for Your Aging Family Member?
The following are some tips for when you feel you can no longer care for a senior loved one:
- Recognize That Your Feelings Are Valid: The first step to take is to recognize that your feelings and emotions are valid. If you’re feeling stressed, overwhelmed, frustrated, or guilty, it’s okay and completely normal. Be both gentle and compassionate with yourself and your loved one. This can often be a great time to start rethinking your loved one’s care and looking for alternatives. Perhaps you and your aging loved one can experience a better quality of life with a different form of care. When you realize that you can no longer be the primary caregiver for your elderly family member, it is important to simply accept your feelings and use them as motivation to find a better care solution for them.
- Talk to Your Loved One and Other Family Members: Once you’ve recognized and accepted that your feelings are valid, it is important to have conversations with your elderly family member and other involved family members (often siblings). In these conversations:
- Clearly communicate your thoughts and feelings.
- Listen and try to understand others’ emotions and desires (and hopefully your family will do the same for you.)
- Be willing to step away from heated arguments and return at a later time.
Understand that there may be some conflict and that a resolution may not come about immediately. Staying patient and keeping the conversation going can help lead to breakthroughs.
You may eventually need to make decisions on your own. But hopefully, your family will support your decision, and you can find a good situation for your loved one, where he or she will have the best quality of life possible.
- Brainstorm and Consider Other Care Possibilities: It’s important to start brainstorming and looking into alternative care options for your loved one. Some alternatives may include:
- having siblings or other family members help provide care;
- hiring in-home caregivers; or
- moving a loved one into an assisted living facility or into a nursing home, depending on their needs, and sometimes depending upon their ability to pay for the care. Assisted Living Facilities, while almost always a nicer environment for visitors than a nursing home, are always private pay, whereas nursing homes are able to provide a higher level of care and can be paid for via Medicaid. Because Medicaid can be used to pay for nursing home care, Medicaid asset protection can be done by an experienced elder law attorney such as Evan Farr and his team here at the Farr Law Firm.
- You should always reach out to an experienced elder care attorney for guidance. We can connect you with other senior-serving professionals as needed, but unless you know your legal and financial options and obligations, you are likely to make expensive and avoidable mistakes along the way.
- Plan for the High Costs of Long-Term Care: If you are a caregiver for a loved one, it is incredibly important at this time to plan in advance for yourself and your loved one, especially with the often catastrophic costs of long-term care ($12,000 – $18,000 a month in the DC Metro Area). At the Farr Law Firm, we assist our clients with Life Care Planning and Medicaid Asset Protection, the process of protecting assets from having to be completely spent down paying privately for long-term care, whether at home, in an assisted living facility, or in a nursing home.
At the Farr Law Firm, we help our clients ensure that their loved ones get the best possible care and maintain the highest possible quality of life. If you are a caregiver for a loved one who may need more care than you can provide, be sure to make an appointment to plan in advance as soon as you are ready.
Hope this helps!
Hayek
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